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Funny Answering Machine Messages


How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...

Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

(Narrator's voice:) There ________ sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with __________ in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. This is Jeff:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number.

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

Hi! ______'s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached the BPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

This is _________'s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call you back, when you're not home.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

Next on Public Radio 91.9 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."

Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes.

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Hi. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

I am not home to talk to you, but please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...

BEEP Hello, this is WKSS, you're on the air.

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

[Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal _______'s answering machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

Hi, you know the drill.

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 3.14. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine .

Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.

If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your motherís maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.



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